S is for Silence

This may sound strange when we talk so much about effective communication and to most people that means talking.  However, parents need to value the effect of staying quiet and listening. Most adults, when they are upset or angry, talk too much and too quickly and with too much emotion. This does not help children to understand what they have done wrong and what they need to do instead.

We recommend having a few stock phrases to say when you feel stressed – like “I need to think about what has happened” or “I need to talk about this to Mummy” so that you avoid leaping into a trap of giving lots of negative attention. Staying quiet and really listening to the words, the feelings and the underlying messages is a very important part of effective communication between parents and children. Staying quiet also gives you thinking time to find the best way forward. Silence does not mean “consent”  but it does give you the opportunity to model some good problem solving skills to your ever-watchful children.

T is for tempers

In my experience, parents find managing their own tempers more difficult than managing their children’s outbursts. In her book called When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and What You Can Do About It, Bonnie Harris says that rather than focussing on how to change your child’s behaviour, you could look at your own attitudes and perceptions and understand what it is that sparks your anger.

So you want to stop the cycle of action and reaction? Then you need to learn how to mange the situation with calm and assertive energy that makes the child realise that you know what you are doing.

Your children are watching you, they know how you will react and know how to make things work for them. This does not make them manipulative but they are very observant. They have been watching you and listening to you since the day they were born. Getting their own way is what they want but not what they need.

So here are a few tips to help the situation to remain calm when emotions are running high:

If it is a situation that arises time and again (like demanding sweets at the checkout or not going to bed when told) plan your campaign and prepare the child before you get there. “When we get to the checkout, you sometimes ask me for sweets. The rule is this….. OK?   You will find that I do not listen to you or give in. OK?”

If it is totally unexpected (and it very seldom is) then keep your mouth closed until you have engaged your brain!  If the child is not in danger, you can safely ignore outbursts until everyone is calm and then talk things through slowly and carefully.

Successful management of high, negative emotions is an important life skill for your children. When you lose your temper, they are learning something from you but it might not be what you want!

U is for understanding

Are you feeling that sometimes you just don’t understand what makes people tick? Do the children’s reactions baffle you? You ask them to do something totally reasonable and your teenager loses the plot and accuses you of nagging. You tell your 10 year old son not to stay out after dark – knowing how dangerous it can be – and he disappears for hours and drives you frantic with worry. Do your partner’s actions sometimes seem bizarre and selfish?  Do you often think you are the glue that holds the world together and if you don’t manage everything, the family will fall apart?

Understanding our own actions is sometimes hard enough. Why did I eat that chocolate éclair when my jeans are too tight already? Why did I scream at the kids when I know it doesn’t achieve anything?

Our lives are complicated. We are totally interdependent and rely on hundreds of other people playing their part successfully in our lives – the supermarket, the garage, and the water and gas companies. No man is an island and our society relies on us living harmoniously with many people who are very different from us - in beliefs, in colour, in education and background, in likes and dislikes.

Children need to be helped to understand this and enjoy differences and the richness that other people can bring to our lives. They also need to be taught how to tolerate those differences when they do not like them.  They learn that by watching you and how you manage your relationships.

Here is a quick way to check out that you have understood someone when the conversation seems complicated.

You say:-
“ So what I heard you say is this…Is that right?”
This makes the other person feel understood and listened to and they have the chance to correct your perception. It is particularly useful when you have a difficult situation with your teenager or your partner and you need to reach an understanding of each other’s view points in order to move forward.

The most frequent complaint that I hear from teenagers is that their parents don’t listen to them and don’t understand them.  Let’s start tomorrow with a resolution to speak more respectfully to the children and try to understand their point of view. We may have given birth to them but they are not cloned. They have their own rights and thoughts and personality which we need to understand and enjoy.

V is for Values

Many parents complain to me about their children’s lack of respect, their willingness to lie, their refusal to take responsibility or to be kind to their siblings. Each of these complaints could represent a rejection or ignorance of an underlying family value which, like reading and talking, children need to be taught. But in today’s society, we as adults seem to be often less clear about what our values are and they may get called preferences or a wish list. “I wish my child would not lie to me” or “I wish we had enough money to buy him his own TV”  or “I would much prefer that he helps around the house rather than stay out with his friends.”

Where values are based on principles, things are clearer. They are more likely to be universal, transcultural and consistent. Could you as a parent write down ten principles that you believe are a good basis for living your life? If you can, are you clear how you  go about teaching them to your children?

Through storytelling, we provide effective means for children to understand and learn character - building principles and values such as were found  - in my childhood - in the great stories of Grimm and Hans Anderson. Through activities, relationships and games, we teach values. Through discussion as a family, sharing problems and responsibilities, we teach values. Do we teach love of self which can build self-esteem and self-respect? Do we teach love of others that can develop compassion, thoughtfulness and kindness? Do we know that what every child needs to develop is love and security, praise and recognition, responsibility and new experiences? Do we understand that it is by constructive dialogue and differences of opinion respectfully expressed that children can learn about relationships from seeing their parents disagree?

We as parents need enough maturity to work through the inevitable pain, trauma, trials and tribulation that life will bring to us and to our children. We need enough patience and self restraint to tolerate differences within the family. We need enough humility and insight to know that we can learn new ideas and new techniques  - perhaps by attending groups, courses and workshops. Perhaps, above all, we need to develop a clear set of principles linked to values that we will teach our children. Values based on principles are not something we have like a Ford but are something we are - such as “kind”.

Here are some values which you may wish to consider:
cooperation, freedom, happiness, honesty, humility, love, peace, respect, responsibility, tolerance, unity. That is the easy bit. The really tricky bit is to decide how we can impart these, or any value that we treasure, to our children. When I think of a child learning about life, I have a picture of him in my mind. It is just a face, with huge ears which listen to the way we conduct our lives and huge eyes that watch us and learn.